Category Archives: Sex

Living in Erotically Inclusive Community

It astounds and shocks me how callously and flippantly we treat needs for touch, connection, intimacy, and erotic and sexual gratification in wider society.

I believe that it is dangerous to flagrantly allow or even prohibit people from meeting their sexual needs–as our society does.

All sorts of ‘industries’ have sprung up (no pun intended) to fill this need. The desires catered to by them are so powerful that no legal inducement or punishment has ever eradicated them.

An erotically-inclusive community is one in which the participants agree to meet or help meet each other’s erotic, touch, and sexual needs as part of community living.

If you choose to live with someone [or someones] and you love them, you want their needs to be met: food, clothing, shelter at least. You want them to be happy. Right?

Where does that stop?

You know about Maslow’s Hierarchy or needs, right?

The theory is that lower needs on the pyramid (like food) must be fulfilled before higher needs (like creativity) can be.

Guess where sex is on the pyramid?

At the very bottom. Along with food, sleep, air, water.

Is sex really that important? Is it true that we can’t get our higher-level needs met if our need for sex isn’t fulfilled? Is that really what Maslow meant when he made the pyramid?

Judging by all the crazy, sometimes horrible things we do in this world just to get sexual pleasure and expression, I think it just might be.

 

I saw a community that took this seriously once in my life. Morehouse. There, I understood that they used a framework and rules for safely meeting needs for touch, intimacy, and sexuality (and rules around these things) so that the community and its members would achieve it’s highest potential.

I hope to live in or create something similar soon.

What do you think? Is erotically inclusive community desirable or possible? Why or why not?

If you’d like to meet more of your needs around relating, sexuality, and intimacy regardless of your current community, contact me on the contact page!

“I want 21 sexual experiences every week!”

Of course you do.

You deserve massive orgasmic pleasurable experience regularly. 3x a day. More if you want!

And, if you aren’t getting that, let’s work on making that happen! I would be overjoyed for you to reach that goal.

And, when we dig deeper, what do we find? Why is it you want sex 21 times per week?

Well, each sexual experience seems to be only fulfilling you 33% for the day. I wonder if we can dramatically increase your pleasure and experience during sex (with yourself, alone, in your mind, through your breath…!!!) so that you reach a completely fulfilled and satisfied state?

I believe we can.

Perhaps it will be possible after just a session or two. More likely it will take a few weeks or a couple months to achieve.

I believe all women [and men] can completely up their orgasmic level with effort. It’s like playing the piano or ice dancing or a sport. This has been my experience.

If you raise your orgasmic potential, you can get 2x or 3x or even maybe 21x the pleasure from each experience that you are getting right now. Would that work as well?

Contact me and we’ll get on it.

 

Trusting the Child, Inside and Out

[This is potentially triggering. I feel these ideas are very important to discuss and yet our world has taboos even about this conversation. I ask that you approach this person’s experience free from what you have been programmed to think about the topic and instead consider their experience from their perspective.

I received a very specific e-mail which I am going to quote and discuss. I recommend caution if you do not want to be confronted with themes of sexuality and youth.]

I have some questions:

  1. When are we old enough to have ‘preferences’? To know what we want and don’t want?
  2. When do our preferences count? And when should they be overridden by society and family?
  3. Are there topics that society is so much wiser about that we need to bow to its authority and fall in line–regardless of whether we agree or enjoy or not? Which ones? And why?

A friend wrote me this mail:

“Well this is an odd thank you email that you’re probably going to laugh about. When I was 13 I had sex with an older guy. I was so embarrassed I hid it from everyone. I buried it deep. I denied it. It caused me so much pain. Well, when I was using one of your videos (I believe it was called “The Pleasure Room”.) [He’s mentioning a guided meditation I once created that suggest recalling a pleasurable past experience with no other context.] I actually could smell him and taste him again. And I relived the experience. What it taught me is I was NOT molested. I was not a victim. I was a victim of my upbringing, not of the relationship I had with another male. It took many years of therapy that never worked and then couple of your videos that so worked. You changed my life for the better. Just wanted to say thank you. No longer a victim.” – D.

This is an adult man speaking.

In our world, we include sexuality as one of those things that young people’s preferences don’t really matter about. We know more than they do.

Is that true, though?

What percentage of adults have sex with the exact right people all the time for their growth and happiness or any other goal they might have?

How many adults can tell another adult exactly the right person to engage with sexually for their happiness and success?

When does this magical information suddenly infuse into them?

What is the evidence?

I want to propose something that might seem blasphemous:

The degree to which we don’t trust anyone (age irrelevant) to know their preferences, wishes, and desires is the the degree to which we do not trust our own [inner child’s] ability to know what we want.

This goes along with the entire violence-based paradigm that we live within. In our world, it is acceptable to use shame, blame, guilt, threats, punishments, and rewards to keep people in line. And yet, do we end up doing more damage fighting and punishing the behaviors we ‘know’ are bad than we are preventing?

200 years ago, it was clear to ‘civilization’ that black people aren’t really people, so we can use them as property.

100 years ago, it was clear to ‘civilization’ that women weren’t really people. They were property–either of their fathers or husbands. We knew what was best for them and it was OK to punish them if they got out of line.

Today, it is clear that children aren’t really people–yet. They are property of their parents. We know what’s best for them and it’s ok to make them do things or punish them if they get out of line.

See the progression? What do you think we will all know in 100 years from now?

Despite the fact that we have child prodigies and inventors and 12-year-olds attending college, we don’t consider children to be able to know what they want in the field of touch.

Nor do we have any structures or training to help them find out.

Instead we have demonization and shaming and guilting and pearl-clutching whenever the subject is broached.

I remember my mother intensely castigating me whenever I ‘touched myself’ as a child. What kind of message do you think I got about my sexuality and my genitals?

Now, do they need information? Sure. They will ask questions and look for it.

Remember the three questions above? When do they apply to the field of touch? (And sexual touch is another form of touch communication.)

When do people become free or enlightened or wise enough to choose what should happen with their own bodies?

I see newborns powerfully object when their physical and touch needs are violated. I see them respond powerfully when they are.

Can it be that we are born knowing what we want and what is good for us? And that society denies and takes away our right to ask for and get what we want in this most important area of life?

Help with Sex and Relationships

Welcome!

So you want help with sexuality and relating, do you?

There is an endless path to follow to find our own personal expressions of sexuality and relationships.

Like everything in life, these two are intimately connected.

My Basic Sexuality program teaches breathing, sound, movement, sense-uality, and provides a few tips for beginning power exchange.

My Perfect Relating program shows you how to:

  1. Know what you want
  2. Ask for it and
  3. Negotiate

…when relating to another person.

Either of these are a lifetime of work, but both contain what I would consider “Basic Training for Being Human” in our modern world.

You can get access to both of these programs for $24 per month. Cancel anytime. Ask me any question about sex and relationships here.

Sign up at this link on Patreon.com.

 

How I learned about Sex

So. After leaving the Mormon church, drenched in shame and body-negative messages, and not knowing where to turn, I decided I wanted to learn about sex and alternative relationships.

There were two places to do that: ZEGG, which was holding an intro weekend a couple hours from where I lived. I don’t remember how I heard of them.

The other was an ad I saw in the online classifieds in Dresden. “John Hawken, famous tantra teacher from the UK coming this one weekend only to Dresden.”

I was intrigued. I called the number on the ad and a gruff man answered. This was the convo.

“Hi! I saw your ad for a tantra workshop. What is that?

“What do you think it is?”

“Well, I think it’s about sex.”

“Uh huh.”

“Um, so can I register?”

“You can just show up.”

What I didn’t realize was that Stefan had placed the ad with the hope of bringing more hot women into the local tantra scene. I, as a man, was competition, so he did his best to be rude to dissuade me from coming.

In retrospect, he might have been wise to do that. In two months I was running the local group’s practice sessions and by the end of the summer I had spent time with most the  female population of the local tantra group.

When I arrived for the weekend, John began by paraphrasing Osho (who I had never heard of–at least under that name).

“When you study an idea or a philosophy, you like it or you don’t. You accept it or you don’t. And, maybe later you find a different philosophy. Here, we don’t learn by memorization or rote or debate. Here we learn by experience.”

I was so tired of sitting in classrooms during childhood listening to teachers and religious leaders drone on–and I had been so betrayed by their ideas which hadn’t actually worked in my life, I immediately latched on to this new mode of learning.

I decided not to read anything else about this topic for the time being and learn experientially.

And why not? How do children learn about life? About their preferences? About what is dangerous?

Not conceptually, primarily. Experientially. They learn how to ask for a cookie and what that is because they want one, not because someone needs to drone on about how important cookies are for our economic growth.

John would give us an experience. We were randomly paired, men and women, and we danced elbow to elbow. Or we breathed and gazed into each other’s eyes. Or we wore blindfolds and embraced a stranger.

Each experience was about the experience. Not primarily our thoughts about what the experience would be like. Nor about our judgments or evaluations of it. What sensations did we experience internally and externally? What feelings were present? What were we thinking?

We became magnificently aware of the processes within us during each of these experiences. We noticed how the experience was dramatically different with a different person. Or the same person on a different day.

I had never felt so alive.

I remember during the break going to the local store and staring the cashier right in the eyes. I felt like I could conquer the world.

We did hear a little theory. But not to regurgitate or believe or reject. Simply to provide some context for our experience, if it were helpful.

“Religions argue about what you are. Are you just a body? A spirit in a body. According to tantra, there are two components. You are a point of point of consciousness, and a flow of energy. Energy is the feminine principle and consciousness is the masculine. The dance between these two creates the world and your life and your relationships.”

I will never forget those words. They clicked into place verifying to me an entire map of myself and my romances which I had always looked for but never found. My life from that point would be devoted to researching the experience of all the ways that dance could manifest in my life and how I could experience it with others.

 

 

 

Erotic vs Spiritual

One huge problem in our world is that we separate the spiritual and the erotic. It’s sometimes called The Lilith Complex. It is the source of untold suffering.

Very few are able to master all 7 chakras. We either contemplate God, the universe, meaning, spirituality, and religion. Or, we look for the so-called “baser” things in life. Pleasure. Sex. Celebration. Decadence. Fast cars. Big houses.

We don’t think of the Dalai Lama as a guy who is erotically charged. We see him as one connected to God. The same with the Pope. And the Pope is a virgin, right?

I spent many years in spiritual community. We didn’t talk about sex. We never approached it practically. We didn’t talk about how to enjoy our bodies.

Most spiritual communities are this way.

The Amish even create a false dichotomy of this. They send their youth out on a “rumspringa” where they encourage them to engage in excess with ‘the sinful world’. To them, you are either God-fearing or on Girls Gone Wild.

But there is more.

How do we experience sexuality, pleasure, and sensation in any sort of conscious, meaningful way? What structures even exist in our society to learn that? We learn reading, writing, and arithmetic for 12 years. Where do we learn about relationships, connection, emotions, touch, and sex?

I had to search very hard to find capable teachers about life’s essentials. The best teachers are virtually unknown. Yet, for me, they hold the keys of humanity’s future.

After my spiritual search didn’t make me happy, I turned inward. I turned to my body.

I began studying ancient practices and ideas around touch, connection, pleasure, and sexuality.

That was a journey of many years. Only now am I beginning to reconcile both my spiritual and physical and erotic journeys into a holistic life.

And I am always looking for people who are trying to do that as well.

I was surprised, then, when someone approached me who had spent years in a spiritual community and understood the core of what it means to be connected to the Divine, and who had left all of that, as a modern-day female Buddha–to research in ways that no teacher could show her what her body was capable of. Her experience took her to the depths of erotic exploration.

Her courage is awe inspiring. People close to her both warned and threatened her for her journey. And yet she has remained true to her search.

And she gives us a glimpse of what we might know by deeply understanding our bodies and our physical, human experience, with an integration of spirituality and meaning.

I consider it a privilege to be one of the first to bow down to give her the respect and the honor that she deserves.

The results of her dedication to the path herself are evident for me. I never speak to her without being my body being awakened and alive.

She now lives an example of a complete life. And she has only just begun.

Let me introduce you to her.

Meet Amy.

Tomorrow at 4:30 PST, I will be interviewing Amy about her amazing journey. get to know a woman who understands Bhakti (devotion) in the deepest of ways and who has worked professionally in the world of sexuality–I’ll let her tell you about that tomorrow.

You can be there, ask questions, and get to know her as well.

If, you subscribe here: https://sparkmk.leadpages.co/amy-s-webinar/

Some replay may be available (though it may be censored compared to the original, so I suggest being there in person to get all the details).

This will be fun. Join us! 🙂

Why You Need to Understand Energy (for Better Sex)

If you are taking the EPS program for men, you will see that I am framing many of our conversations in terms of energy.

This is intentional.

“Without an understanding of energy as the basis for pleasure (and more) in life, your pleasure potential will be limited.” – Me

We are not talking just about ‘calories’ energy–though obviously that is also important. We are talking about chi, prana, orgone…those types of energy that Shaolin and Buddhist monks and yogis use to do things that seem miraculous.

There is a video of a woman swimming in freezing water with whales. That is done via energy.

Creating orgasms without touch (or speaking) can be done via energy.

So, I will teach you energy.

Be patient! This is a language that is denied and repressed by our culture. It will take you time to understand how it works and how to channel it for greater pleasure for your partner and yourself.