Our friendship was on the laser’s edge. We had had great conversations. But I felt our friendship collapsing. And I didn’t know why. The ‘advice’ I had given him recently, while feeling good at the time, had thrown his system into chaos today.
And I didn’t know why.
In the last minute, I suddenly ‘got it’. I said what I needed to say. He felt much better. And our connection deepened.
And I was a different man.
This is such a deep lesson to me and it took many, many mistakes with clients, friends, and partners before I finally got it, and I felt like a giant weight was lifted off of me.
The question is: Am I OK how I am?
When someone comes to us with some kind of distress, often the question deep down is:
- Am I broken?
- Am I defective?
- Is how I am ‘wrong’?
Incredibly difficult questions to ask, rooted in deep shame.
And, my response to those, for years, has been to find the source of their discomfort and to alleviate it via…
- new techniques
- better “ideas”
…and so on.
But, the fundamental truth is that: You are perfect. You are exactly who and what you need to be right now.
You are perfect in which the way the sapling is as perfect as the mighty oak.
Just as perfect as the six-year-old is to the sixty-year-old.
Which is ‘better’? Which is ‘done’? Which is ‘perfect’?
Obviously, neither. The six-year-old is at the perfect stage of development for himself. The sixty-year-old as well. They are both vital and powerful parts of their community.
And they don’t need to change anything.
And neither do you!
So, instead now, I come from a space of: you are perfect as you are, of course. Nothing to be ashamed of. And nothing that ‘needs’ changing.
When we come from that space, anything we wish to change comes from a space of play and experimentation, rather than defect and a I-must-correct-this attitude.
And the results are unimaginably different in this energy as opposed to the energy of shame.
Most of our suffering about a situation comes from our wanting that situation to be different. And a lot of that ‘wanting’ is the result of shame.
Being able to accept the perfection of ‘right now’ allows us both to enjoy where we are and take steps to have things different later.