Ryan’s Family

I care about a lot of people. And I have found many technologies, practices, ideas, etc to support my needs in connection, intimacy, affection, empathy, understanding, and more getting met.

I want to share these with people that I care about.

I am calling these people ‘Ryan’s Family’.

How Do I Join the Family?

Attend any of our public (online) events! Often, I will suggest something that I think will work well for you.


If you are reading this, I will try to help you however I can, while taking care of myself and my time and energy limitations.

And, I want you to experience your own greatness as well.


  1. Show up–generally at least 1x per week to some online or live event that Ryan or the Family offers.
  2. Be generous. Help others when you can. Spend some time listening or in service.
  3. Support the Family financially in line with the results and support you get in your own life. We all have it hard some times. And we all have times of plenty. Share deeply when you can. The resources you offer will be used to support other members of the family.
  4. You are welcome to attend events and kick the tires as much as you want without committing. At the point at which you reach out for personal time and attention, #’s 1-3 apply. If you get a lot of support but aren’t offering any, this will be a conversation.

Make sense?


Family meetings are: Circling on Sundays. Meditation on Saturdays. Business support Thursday mornings. Relationship support Wednesday evenings.

This is the vision. Hopefully these will all be happening soon.

Why You Need to Understand Energy (for Better Sex)

If you are taking the EPS program for men, you will see that I am framing many of our conversations in terms of energy.

This is intentional.

“Without an understanding of energy as the basis for pleasure (and more) in life, your pleasure potential will be limited.” – Me

We are not talking just about ‘calories’ energy–though obviously that is also important. We are talking about chi, prana, orgone…those types of energy that Shaolin and Buddhist monks and yogis use to do things that seem miraculous.

There is a video of a woman swimming in freezing water with whales. That is done via energy.

Creating orgasms without touch (or speaking) can be done via energy.

So, I will teach you energy.

Be patient! This is a language that is denied and repressed by our culture. It will take you time to understand how it works and how to channel it for greater pleasure for your partner and yourself.


Principles of Effective Collaboration

As my goals got bigger and bigger, I found my ‘lone wolf’ mentality to success (drilled into me by an environment where failure was ridiculed, competition a la grades was praised — working together was cheating, and being constantly told I was ‘smart’) had to go.

Thus, I began collaborating on a much bigger scale with others, beginning with a couple live events and online courses that then blossomed.

Here is what I have learned.

  1. Find at least one person who says, “Yes!” to your ideas. Otherwise, find new ideas.
    There is a reason parliamentary procedure includes a ‘Motion seconded!’ step. This is because a really dumb idea (or too risky for the organization), will not find a ‘2nd supporter’. Without at least one other person who says, “Yeah, this is crazy, but I like it and am willing to commit to it too!”, you have no one to lean on, urge you forward, or solve your most pressing problems with.If you have an idea, try to get at least one collaborator.
  2. Start small.
    A couple years back, I found some great teachers and we began sculpting the ultimate be-all-end-all training. We met every week in multi-hour meetings and the concept spread from a one-year training to a multi-year training. It sounded epic. Until it ultimately all collapsed.Why?

    Because we had no proof-of-concept. Because we had no outside energy or feedback from others to improve our ideas with. Our little think tank was great at coming up with brilliant ideas, but we didn’t know whether they would work, much less whether we could sell a multi-$1000s program.

    Now, I find the smallest possible ‘victory’ and achieve that first, and build from there with potential collaborators. That may be a small event or selling a very simple product.

    3. Live consensus.

    Not that long ago, my ideas had to ‘win’. Now, I listen and integrate what others are saying. Consensus is the process of finding ways for everyone to be comfortable with what is happening and intended.

    In true consensus, when one person out of the group says, “No. I don’t like this,” then that thing doesn’t happen.

    We are taught to use “democracy”–meaning whoever has the most votes can force the rest to do what they want. This is not useful or efficient for any type of collaboration (or gov’t, but that’s another story). If one person on a team strongly disagrees with what is happening, they can sabotage things, (even energetically) remove their support, and the whole thing will be facing resistance. Even more importantly, the wisdom for that person is not integrated into the ‘thing’, thus making it less than what it could be.

    If someone is a strong ‘no’, then together we find some way that we all are comfortable moving forward and we do that instead.




On Cosmology

600_392110422In this world, we are asked–often under threat of shame, ridicule, and rejection–if not outright violence–to accept a lot of things that we ourselves cannot actually verify and experience via our senses.

Whether it’s that there is a man sitting in a cloud who I speak to who decides whether you suffer when you die or that there is another ‘authority’ to bow to (most false cosmologies are seeped in the Doctrine of Domination), if I can control what you believe, I can control how you act. Voltaire said it best, “He who can get you to believe absurdities can get you to commit atrocities.”

This Thursday I am going to be teaching about the 6+1 Logical Levels or Levels of Change. From environment up to mission, they determine how we act and whether we get the results we want in the world.

A level that is not often discussed that is higher than all of them, I call ‘Cosmology’.

Your cosmology is your understanding about ‘how the world works’ and ‘your place in it’.

For example, if your cosmology includes, “White people are better than black people,” or “Germans are meant to rule for a thousand years,” or even that “my country is the greatest,” that will affect all of your choices, regardless of the rest of the levels.

The same as if it includes, “God commands us whom to marry through our prophet [14-year-olds to 60-yo’s] and we are to obey.”


Be aware of who or what is setting your cosmology.

You can tell who is influencing your cosmology because, it will include:

  • Things ‘everyone knows’ but can’t really be experienced by your senses or proven
  • Things you aren’t allowed to question
  • Ideas that you aren’t allowed to receive or propagate–look also for ‘soft’ censorship, whether through ridicule or ‘rating’ of ideas.
  • On the other side: Thoughts are called ‘dangerous’ or ‘heretic’
  • The ‘way things are’ as proclaimed and decided ‘together’ (when often, consensus is just supporting the systems of domination through various hard and soft methods
  • What people who are marginalized, cast out, or even murdered are attacking or questioning

When Dominators notice holes being revealed in the old cosmology, they can create a new one and present it under force of arms or propaganda to control the ‘framework within thinking happens’.

The thought-control elements (shame, guilt, punishment, reward) on top of a new cosmology will keep 99.9% of the people in line, assuming the narrative can be powerfully controlled and disseminated.

I have broken out of so many cages only to find I was within the next cage–and it was always in my head. Gotta hand it to those who want to test our willingness to truly be free and define our own actions and experience!

What is your cosmology? Where did you get it? Who taught it to you? Where did they get it? What are the sources of truth for your life?


Discovering energy medicine and alternative healing was a quantum leap for me. I was able to find healing for chronic sinus infections and other health challenges that had plagued me for years, and which the best of ‘conventional medicine’ had not been able to heal.

I now regularly give and receive energy healing sessions whenever I have an issue. For example, in September of last year, I was faced with debilitating back pain. I literally collapsed when I tried to stand up!

I began a regimen of intense energetic healing and now that pain is completely gone.

But how far can we go  with healing? What represents “healing” or “true wholeness”?

I have been pushing the boundaries of healing for several years now, looking for the limits.

What if you decided to heal *everything* that you considered unwhole? Not just the things that ‘doctors couldn’t handle’. What if you received seven or ten times as much healing as you would normally receive from any alternative practitioner? What would that look like?

What would the effects be?

From this past September through February, I received over 100 energy healing sessions from a dear friend. The healing began to go so much deeper than my initial pain. It began to penetrate into the deeper layers of my psyche and emotions. Generational issues began to resolve. I began to learn to trust and connect to others in ways that I never had before.

‘Incurable’ disease began to to disappear. Finances improved. Life in total began to shift tremendously.

How far can we go?

I don’t know. What if we spent hours every day in healing and wholeness? What would the result be?

Why is this such a difficult question to even ask?

Because of our expectations of what *is* healthy? Healed? Complete?

Maybe we need to move the goal posts completely.

Maybe, we ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

Closed and Open Chakras

Sometimes, certain spiritual teachers will talk about having chakras that are open or closed. What does this mean?

If love is outward expansion 1 and fear–its opposite–is inward contraction, going from general whole-body outward contraction to examining both what part of the body(‘s energy field) is contracting inwardly (and thus, in fear) could explain what is meant by individual chakras being open or closed.

Contrary to what many of us might think, having chakras that are open or closed isn’t just about receiving. It’s also about giving–free interplay of energies and flow out and in of that ‘body element’, as outward expansion (ie, love) indicates a flow of that energy to the universe/others from us.


  1. Thank you Jason Roberts.

Embodied NVC: Making NVC ‘Work’


I have made NVC work. It can work. Screen Shot 2015-04-27 at 10.59.16 PMAnd, for many people, it doesn’t quite deliver what it promises, for a lot of reasons. So I created ‘Perfect Relating‘ as an ‘upgrade’. And I think, even more importantly, the Self-Empathy Meditation, which is really a whole path of spiritual progress in about 15 bullet points on one page. My heart sutra, as it were.

Now, Marvin recently came back from the Network for New Culture spring camp raving about Max Rivers and what Max calls ‘Embodied NVC’ (link below). In fact, he sounded so excited (and I seldom sell Marvin excited about much at all), I wondered what cult he had been inducted into.

But I didn’t think much more of it. Until he sent me the link and I listened.

I only listened once, but I think I got most of the points of ENVC…Max can correct me if I’m wrong. And I believe it basically goes

Many people might find it more effective than ‘standard’ NVC. So I decided to speak my interpretation of the ENVC process. Perhaps you find it useful.

Boils down to:

1. You wouldn’t know your needs weren’t getting met if they had never been met. You only know darkness because you have seen the light.

2. Ergo, your needs–perhaps in some way we don’t fully understand–have been met or are always being met. It’s just that you are somehow ‘clashing’ with the vibration of them being met and you need to consciously reconnect to that state. (Max is also a hypnotist. I’ve given hundreds of thousands of people orgasms who weren’t being touched–via YouTube–this explains how that can happen).

3. Once you re-connect to that ‘being met’ state, the world naturally organizes around that met need.

4. And (I don’t think he said this in the short talk), if you feel like needs aren’t getting met, this is an opportunity to simply realize a deeper/another level of (‘hearts desires’–his more upbeat term for NVC needs) and get them met.

5. Which is why people who have ‘figured it out’ hit rough patches–this idea would explain the question of ‘why does God let bad things happen [to me???]’ or why suffering exists in the world. Because you find a deeper level of heart’s desires that are wanting to align. Life becomes (if we choose to let it) a continual process of ‘re-alignment’ (atonement) with Source [of who we are] to reach higher and higher levels of hearts-desire-fulfillment.

I’m guessing I got it. If not, Max can fix this soon. 😉 In any case, even if I took the ball and ran with it, the above makes sense to me.

PS Also explains h’oponopono

Let me know your sensations 😉

Max Rivers and his podcasts


My Story: Finding Tantra (I)

The phone rang. A man’s voice answered.


“I’m calling about the tantra workshop.”

“And?”, he gruffly replied.

“Well, what is it?”

“What do you think it is?”

Holy cow, this guy was rude!

I didn’t know whether it was because he was used to fielding calls from horny people or whether he was disappointed it was a man’s voice that called and he wanted more hot women to build his “local harem” with. In any case, the guy wasn’t happy to hear from me.

It was mid May, 2008. And I knew something had to change. I had left the Mormon church in 2003. My wife and I had agreed to separate a couple years later. The Church was the foundation of our relationship and, without that, we found we just had different paths we wanted to explore. So we shook hands and parted ways.

Add to that the fact we hadn’t had sex in a few years…our relationship was one of politeness, efficiency, but not passion.

I had always been attracted to many women. Since puberty at least and probably before. I hadn’t been encouraged to date before I turned 16 and even then I was told to not ‘go steady’—I had to prepare for my mission, after all. And it wouldn’t do for me to have some horrible sin like sex to repent of before I spent two years knocking on doors in Germany without being allowed to touch a woman with more than a handshake.

But I had toed the party line. I got married a virgin. We had a bunch of issues to resolve. And no idea where to go for support.

And so, we had just both kind of…given up.

I knew there must be something more.

After we parted, I learned about women and dating in the ‘real world’…one unmediated by men claiming to be the ‘voice of God’.

And I quickly learned that I didn’t know the first thing about sex. Not really. And I didn’t even know where to learn.

There were two events that weekend. One was ZEGG’s ‘Introduction to Open Relationships.’ The second was this Tantra workshop.

And I had to choose.

In the end, I went to the tantra workshop, (much to the chagrin of the gruff guy on the phone) because the marketing was so compelling, “This weekend only, internationally renowned tantric master from England John Hawken is coming to teach us his introductory workshop on tantra.”

He didn’t like competition, despite the open concepts about tantra.

I basically went because of some books I had seen at the bookstore (which I was far to shy to buy still) about tantra that looked like they were about better sex.

I wanted better sex. So this seemed like a great way to get it.

I ended up getting much more than I bargained for.

I ended up being the only one who had come from the online ad. Everyone else knew each other.
But, I was ok with trying strange things at this point, having visited a slew of new churches and even the local Hari Krisna group a few times. My spiritual search combined with a renewed intellectual curiosity and general fascination.
I likened leaving the Mormon church to taking off blinders. All the sudden there was this big, wide world to see. And I had seen about 2% of it. Because the rest was forbidden. It was evil. It was of the devil.
Tantra was another way to start.
At the front of the room was a plump, grandfatherly gentleman. He was English, and quite theatrical in his presentation. Sitting next to him was a blonde bombshell, probably young enough to be his granddaughter.
“Tantra says,” he began with much gravity, “that you are a point of consciousness and a flow of energy.”
The presentation and his presence held me spellbound.
“The entire universe represents that dance between energy, and consciousness.”
He continued, “I’m not here to convince you of anything. This is not a dogma. Not a system. Not a philosophy. It is experiential. I will offer you an experience, which you may take or leave, as you wish. There are no victims in tantra.
“I encourage you to have the experience without analyzing or evaluating it. [In fact, the experiences had so little context within normal life that the ‘analytical mind’ had little to grasp for analysis anyway.] And then you can decide for yourself what to think of it.”
I was home. I never knew that I had lost my home. I had no idea what ‘home’ even looked like, but this was home.
We danced, fingertip to fingertip. Then elbow to elbow. Then forehead to forehead We added more ‘energy’ until the connection broke. A couple people konked their heads together.
“Too much energy leads to chaos. Too much consciousness leads to death [stagnation]”, our venerated leader intoned.
We had just seen how this happens during the exercise.
“Thus there is a dance, and both are necessary.”
Energy was his feminine principle. Consciousness the masculine principle—that guided the energy into a ‘form’. Each of us had both within us.
As we did each exercise, I felt intuitively that I ‘knew’ how to do it. We ‘breathed’ energy in a circle through partners, staring into their eyes and focusing on the path of the energy.
We wandered through the room, stopping to gently stroke strangers’ faces. Then we pinched foreign bums and yelped and laughed.
After each one, we would return again to ‘gentle formlessness’.
We even yelled, “Fuck you!” at complete strangers. Some people could do that with a serious voice. I had to smile when I said it.
I went out during the break. I noticed that I started right into the eyes of the cashier. I felt so powerful, so self-assured. I was different.
During the rest of the workshop, the exercises got further and further from ‘normal life’. I found myself standing in a circle staring into the eyes of a sixty-year-old topless woman—and finding myself utterly enraptured.
I learned to see beyond the body. The ‘form’. I felt the energy. The essence of everyone I came into contact with there.
 That first weekend changed my life. I vowed to follow this amazing man wherever he went and learn the secrets he possessed.
I also found that these workshops were a great way to find candidates for reigniting my dismal love life.